So I was just chatting as usual with Mr E. Which means that I ramble on and on and he reads it, or sometimes doesn’t because to be fair, he should be working.

Anyways, we’re chatting and I can’t even remember how the subject came up. Knowing me it probably didn’t and I just came out with it – I need help – but I told Mr E about the dream. I kind of mentioned it and he asked me about it, and I told him about it. Big mistake. Huge. A mistake of gargantuan proportions. Thing was, I thought for some reason it was safe – he seemed quite grounded and not confused, and OK with everything. Turns out he was grounded and not confused. Just like I thought….

Only thing was he HAD BEEN confused but had resolved it all. He then started going into this long diatribe about how he had been thinking about it on Saturday (didn’t I tell you he was?!! I’m damn good sometimes!) I must have asked him like three times just to stop talking and not tell me what he was going to say. It didn’t work, because he told me anyway. Which is fair enough. I suppose it is only fair that if he has something to say that he gets it off his chest and tells me – just as he has made it clear to me many times that I should do the same.

Anyways, the long and short of it was a bit of a thing about why we would be crap together, which I took to mean, a bit of a thing about why I would be crap for him. Which is fine and fair enough, because I had the conversation with myself weeks ago about why we wouldn’t be compatible, but whereas I spent the weekend thinking it’s OK that it’s just what it is and we’re not going to meet and nothings going to happen between us, he spent the weekend coming to the same conclusion, but it was as if he felt the need to show me his working out – a bit like in a maths exam where you get extra marks for showing your workings.

Which was all very well and I’m glad he thought about things and isn’t confused, blah blah blah. But - and there is a bit of a but – it hurt a bit to have someone tell you why you’re not good enough, or not girlfriend material, even though I know I’m not suited to him and he isn’t to me anyways. But he also lied to me. He told me that the biggest factor was the distance between us. (An hour and a half by the way) now I know that an hour and a half is not a big thing. I also know that the distance is not what makes him say that he and I are not suited. I am not silly. I know that the real biggest factor is the fact that I have two children and an ex Husband. I’m not exactly the kind of girl you take home to Mum, and this I know.

And I don’t even mind, because I weighed his pros and cons up weeks ago and decided that it wouldn’t be a good idea. But still it made me feel like crap for a few hours. We started talking again, changed the subject and I made him agree with me that nothing was ever going to happen between us.

Now, I personally usually make it my policy never to say never in order to leave myself some wiggle room if things ever change, but I thought about it and decided that clearing things up in this manner will help Mr E, so asked him to make the deal with me. It seems to have worked. I figure that somehow us having made that agreement will stop him ever getting confused again or feeling like he needs to tell me why he doesn’t want to sleep with me in the real world. I also told him that if he gets confused again, or has this conversation with himself again, then please don’t tell me, because I don’t want to know.  

At the end of that slight awkwardness, I told him that I knew he fibbed to me about the distance being the deciding factor and that I knew the real deciding factor. I told him not to say anything in response and he didn’t. I also told him that I thought it would maybe be inappropriate for us to continue having the sort of conversations we had been. I don’t want for him to really care about me or me for him. I don’t want him ever to have to tell me again why we shouldn’t even contemplate the idea of meeting in the real world. I don’t want Sand In My Shoes.

A few hours and some nonsensical chatter later the subject came back up and we just decided that we could be adults and that pictures and talk can be separated from feelings and that nothing has to change between us. I think me making it clear to him that I didn’t want anything from him, and that I wanted to agree that nothing would ever happen between us made it easier on him and in turn easier on me. Hopefully now, he won’t go thinking that I want him to fall madly in love with me every time I send him a picture, or every time he sends me one. Like I’ve told him, just because we can make each other blush doesn’t mean we have actual feelings.