So today I had a driving lesson. It was alot of fun. Alot of fun indeed. I like my driving instructor alot. He’s very nice. He tells me often that my driving is OK on the whole, but that I need more confidence. This I agree with. I’m not the worst driver I’ve ever seen on the road, even if I do say so myself. Haha!

There was a hairy moment. I was driving down the road and this car was reversing into a small space at the side of the road in front of me. There was oncoming traffic on the other side but it had stopped and there was tons of room so I went around the reversing car. Hahaha!! The reversing car swung its front end out dramatically. I sped up and swerved a hell of a lot to avoid it. Dangerous? yes. Silly? Definitely. A hell of a rush though!

Driving instructor was calm and said I handled the danger perfectly but next time I should note that cars don’t always reverse in a totally straight line, especially when they are failing miserably at parallel parking. Perhaps next time I should consider stopping and waiting for the driver to complete their shambolic parallel park. I smiled and said I had learned my lesson. Laughed to myself inside and said “Fuck that!” I can tell you that those few moments were quite probably the best fun and the biggest rush I have had in a long time with my clothes on! 

The only thing (well one of two things) I don’t like about my driving instructor is that he psycho-analyses me. Now, that’s fine, I do it to people all the time, but I keep quiet about it. He asked me alot of questions about growing up, was I bullied at school, do I have alot of friends from school now. I told him non-specific details. I was a Marine Brat. My Dad was in the marines and we moved about a bit with that until I was around 10 when he left the Marines. Since then he got a job with a now multinational company and was very upwardly mobile and we moved around sufficiently that I was never in the same school for more than three years. Yes I was bullied, but mildly I would say and it hasn’t affected me in later life.

My driving instructor said that everyone who goes driving with him and lacks confidence was probably bullied in school. I tested my own theory with him, and asked him if he agreed with my Dad about the fact that when you see a really shocking driver on the road they’re either old or a woman. My driving instructor didn’t agree and said he wouldn’t make such a sweeping statement. Given his earlier statement about bullying, I immediately noted the irony in what he said and told him in no uncertain terms he was full of shit.

I happen to believe that the most shocking drivers are either female or old. The only reason girls get cheaper insurance and they statistically have fewer accidents is because they drive slow as shit, and all the good drivers on the road drive defensively around them and go around them and leave plenty of space as they do just that. Driving instructor laughed and said I was a sharp one and he’d have to keep an eye on me.

After two hours, I drove us to the gym to drop myself off for a run. Driving instructor left after telling me that I had to book a theory test ASAP so he could think about booking a practical in a few months. Had a great run as usual, and started chatting with Louie. Louie works at the gym and is a thoroughly nice, and quite gorgeous man. He has annoyed me on occasion, by coming to talk to me when I am running, which I don’t always mind, but sometimes I can only explain it as I am in a zone so to speak, and that speaking to me is a bad idea. Kind of like when you have just had an orgasm and can’t bear to be touched for a moment while you recover. Too much information there?! Haha!

Anyways, Louie asked me out a few weeks ago, and I politely declined. It wasn’t a proper “ask out”, but he asked me out nonetheless and I felt a pang of guilt at telling him I couldn’t because I was still feeling sorry for myself. As he was about to leave, I reminded him that I have two children and I’m not the kind of girl that he’d want to take home to meet Mum. He laughed and turned to leave, stating something along the lines of, “I don’t know what kind of men you’ve been out with, but I wasn’t planning on bringing my Mother!” I smiled to myself. Louie was clearly a cheeky man. 

Anyways, today I was talking to Louie about films. I mentioned that I fancied watching Mamma Mia, but that I didn’t particularly want to go and see it with Kathy who has been sleeping with The Tosser, or with Maisie who can’t stop asking me questions about my recent break up and still isn’t talking to me after cancelling a night out with her last week.

Louie kindly told me that he’d come to watch the film with me. I laughed slightly, hit the pause button on the treadmill, slowed down and told him again that I couldn’t, based on the fact that I have two children and used the “not the kind of girl you take home to Mum” line again. (I’m not a glutton for punishment, I’m not going to start seeing a man who is going to dump me in a few days, weeks or months when he realises that I’m not what he was looking for. No no no nooooo.) Louie told me that his Mum is not the kind of person he would introduce to his girlfriends anyways.

I hit the pause button again to continue running, as the pause functionality only lasts 60 seconds. Told Louie I would think about it. Got home and saw Mr E was online. He is deciding between watching two films. Mr E does like to watch films, and I am still reeling from the last two that he recommended to me. It’s either Taxi Driver or another one with Ed Norton about a man who is living his last night of freedom because he is going to prison in the morning for seven years. Now I’ve seen Taxi Driver and classic as it is, I’m not in the mood right now for an overly violent and clearly psychotic man. 

I’m watching the one with Ed Norton on the sofa as Mr Ex is staying over and sleeping upstairs. Speaking to Mr E about how I feel guilty about the break up and feel as if I can’t forget about Mr Ex because it feels like I’m leaving him just like he left me. Should I stay in love with him? Do I need to feel guilty about the fact that I am moving on and envisaging a life without him? What if he regrets leaving me? Will he be hurt if and when I move on? Telling Mr E how selfish I feel for the idea of moving on, makes it all seem more and more real that Mr Ex has actually left me.

Mr E is very patient with me and is telling me that I should put myself first. That Mr Ex left me after all, and if he regrets leaving then that’s his tough luck. Mr E tells me that I should, “for once” not put someone else’s feeling before my own. I’m confused. I don’t agree. I don’t see why he thinks I put other’s feelings before my own all the time. If anything I feel selfish for being upset with other people and not respecting their feelings more. I try so hard to understand how they feel and why they are doing what they are doing, but sometimes I do succumb to selfish thoughts and still feel like they should be better people. 

I just tell myself this - it will all work out OK in the end. And if it’s not OK, then it’s not the end. I’m feeling sleepy, the film is coming to an end, and I have a feeling things will work out OK for Ed Norton and his girlfriend. Maybe things will work out OK for me too.