Well, after Mr Ex and the children left, I settled on the sofa for a little bit and watched some TV in the peace and quiet that I am not accustomed to. I went and got changed as I had well, I guess you would call it a date. I was supposed to go and watch Mamma Mia with Louie, but since my shoulder felt like it was on fire all day, I got in touch with him and told him I wasn’t making excuses but didn’t fancy watching a film…

Now Louie seems like a wily man, because he offered to come around and take a look at my shoulder. No getting rid of Louie, it seems. I told him he could come and see my shoulder as long as that’s all he’s looking at. He told me he was a perfect gentleman. Now I know that a perfect gentleman does not exist, so there’s his first lie to me, right there.

Anyways Louie came around for about an hour, as I had tols him I wasn’t good company this evening due to my shoulder and wanted an early night. It was nice to see him in jeans rather than his gym clothes, but I think I prefer the gym clothes. Louie is a nice guy. A really nice guy, and altogether quite handsome, but there’s just something that isn’t there. I can’t put my finger on it, but there is something that means that to kiss him or to start seeing him would be more of a “well, go on then” rather than a burning desire of mine.

One of the topics that came up with Louie was my recent break up. Of course he told me that I didn’t have to talk about it, but I told him that it wasn’t my decision and although the broken heart was definitely mending, I sometimes honestly feel like I would rather rinse my eyes in a bleach eye bath than put myself on the line again. I told him that I felt like if I couldn’t make it work with Mr Ex, I can’t make it work with anybody. He sort of tipped his head to one side and said something along the lines of that that feeling would subside and I would be happy again sometime soon. I reassured him that I am happy enough, and that I don’t feel like I need to be attached to reach personal fulfillment. We had a little laugh about it and agreed to remain friends.

Now I can’t explain why a gorgeous guy like Louie just isn’t doing it for me. Why a seemingly thoroughly nice man who lives only a few minutes away, who is pretty damn hot, who is fit enough to run with me all day if I wanted and who actually seems to like me is just not flipping that switch for me. I can’t help but wonder if it has something to do with Mr E. Have I become sufficiently removed from reality that I would rather have a purely sexual, non-contact relationship with a relative stranger over a normal relationship with a person in the real world?

So, I feel I should ask myself the question. Before I actually ask myself I tell myself in no uncertain terms to hurry up, ask the question and whatever I do, whatever the answer is – say nothing to Mr E. Ever. So, heregoes.. Is it the non-contact, almost purely sexual relationship that appeals to me, or is it Mr E himself? Nothing physical will EVER happen with Mr E, this I know - even if either of us changed our minds, we made a pact, and I am likely never to lay eyes on him in person because he has made it quite clear that that will not happen either. 

I thought about it for a very short while and then realised that whatever the answer was, It wasn’t going to help me and it would probably make me feel like utter crap. The way I see it – either I’ve been kidding myself and I am less far along in the healing process than I thought and can’t imagine myself with an actual man ever again yet  (which would mean that my heart is still broken and in turn, I’m still somewhat in love with Mr Ex) or I am developing feelings for a man who has made it clear that he will never feel the same way about me, and doesn’t even want to meet me in the real world. I decided that I didn’t want to know the answer either way. I try and change the subject in my mind.

That being said, I am highly self aware and I knew the answer already without the need for much soul-searching. I went to sleep last night hoping that my shoulder heals quicker than this damn broken heart.

Lay in bed watching a weird but entirely predictable and unbelievable film with Clive Owen and Jennifer Aniston. Can’t remember the name, but I’m sure Mr E will have heard of it, he likes films. I didn’t enjoy it, but when I watch a film I always feel like I have to watch it until the end. Like I can’t judge it unless I’ve seen it all. Saw it all, and wasn’t too fussed. It was obvious that she was in on it, and Clive Owen does not do it for me in any way at all.  

Lying in bed I was listening to a song by a band called Paramore. The singer is a flame haired lady. The song has been on my iPod for an age and yet I just listened to it last night. It’s actually a really good song and I shall utilise it for my run later on. Speaking of music, Mr E has become slightly more dodgy in my eyes. I was on MSN the other night, after my shoulder conked out on me, gaining some sympathy from FlyBoy, whilst checking my Facebook. Gotta love that FlyBoy. When I closed Facebook, I had two windows up simultaneously on the screen. One of which obviously was FlyBoy and his bollocks/terrorists etc. The other was the main MSN window and I noticed something moving, looked closer and it seemed that Mr E was listening to some very strange songs in very quick succession. He told me they were just listening to some music whilst waiting for their film to download. I laughed to myself. They really were odd songs. As I’ve told Mr E on several occasions, he is one weird hombré.

Anyways, enough of Mr E, and on to a ‘real’ subject - So I woke up this morning and do you know, the shoulder is feeling a little better. I don’t think I should overdo it, but I am home alone and the sun is definitely shining. The gym is about maybe a mile and half down the cycle track, and it opens at 1pm. That’s in an hour and a half. I reckon I’ll take a short run towards the gym and if my shoulder really hurts then I just won’t go in and I’ll walk home. Sounds a good idea to me.