Today was a weird day again. I spent time chatting with Mr E as is usual. Did you guys know that I do actually talk to other people? On messenger I speak to other people. Mr E is never the only person I am chatting with, and yet I have noticed that I never find reason to write about Kel, or Kathy, Jon or Mike, FlyBoy or Gemini. Strange. Maybe because conversations with them are usually made up of talking purely about them, and their lives aren’t the most interesting. Apart from FlyBoy, who sat and had a drink with Lewis Hamilton the other week in the VIP lounge at the airport…

Anyways. Last week I asked Mr E if I should change my public status on Facebook to say that I’m now single. He seemed to think it was a good idea but told me that I should expect to receive some messages from guys “just because”. I told him that I didn’t think so, but would keep him informed. Yesterday I changed my status and today I reported to Mr E that five people, five men had so far commented on it. One is a perv and a recently married one at that, with a baby on the way. He seemed to think I’d made it up and that I was just hiding my Husband somewhere. Idiot. One was a thoroughly nice guy I went to school with, also recently married and the comment was 100% innocent. The other three are all single. Dave is single since he was left broken hearted last year and is now “a bit of a dawg” Alan is 45 if he’s a day, and is single but sees me as a daughter if anything. He commented on how my friend that came out in the city with me on Saturday night is good looking. The last one was Hayden. Hayden was a close friend of mine when I was 16. I fancied the pants off him. Nothing ever happened apart from one teensy tiny little bit of will they wont they, which is a game that I love!

Anyways, so Hayden told me that he was still amazing at making his famous lemon mousse cheesecakes, and he offered to make me one. He offered for me to go to his place or for him to come to mine sometime and he’d cook for me. Now to me that seems like a friend offering to cook for another, but Mr E informs me that Hayden means more than that. More than friends.

This left Mr E and I talking briefly about the now three guys that may or may not be on the horizon. We have Hayden who I discounted because I went to school with him (which seemed to bother Mr E, since I went to school with him also. He seemed intent on me giving Hayden a chance) Louie, who I have discounted because he’s a nice guy, and Leigh who I have discounted because I met him in a club on a night out.

Mr E asked me a few times why I feel the need to rule out these guys without even giving them the chance or a date. In the end I relented and told him the real reason. I’m a mother. I have children. I’m only 25 and I have two children. I told him that any guy out there will at some point be put off by the fact that I have kids. I told him that it’s not the same for women and men. I would happily start seeing a guy I liked whether he had kids or not, and would have done before I had my children, but men will use it as a reason to not be with a woman. Mr E seemed intent on telling me that not all men are the same. I decided to call his bluff. I said “fine – tell me that when you weighed up my pros and cons that the fact that I am a mother didn’t come into it.” I asked him not to lie to me. He admitted that it did.

I told him my working out. Mr E has spent the last few months convincing me that not all men are the same, and that he is a nice guy. His plan worked and I have relented and admitted that he is probably one of the nicest guys I’ve met. He believes in fate and real love and all the things I believe in. If someone like him will use it as a reason not to be with me, any guy will. I know that for a fact.

I hate that because I consider being a Mum to be the very best thing about me. I love being a Mum. I love my children. I love watching them grow, I love watching them sleep. I love dancing with them and I love getting mucky with them. I love that they love me, I love that their worlds revolve around me. I love that they look to me for help with everything and I love that hearing my voice or seeing my face makes them smile. I love being around them. Being a Mum is really the best thing about me. I don’t spend as much time with my children as I used to now that Mr Ex and I have separated, and I have time to devote to myself now, but I still love being a Mum more than anything.

In fact, if Mr E trying to talk me out of feeling like that did anything, it made me believe more in what I was saying. The more I argued the point, the more it made sense, and I knew I had to tell Louie that he could be free on his holiday to meet or start seeing someone without thinking that anything was going to happen between us when he got back. In my moment of self sacrifice I knew it was only fair to let Louie know he was free.

Also I decided to let Hayden know that I couldn’t meet up. I told him I’m incredibly busy and that I’m not ready to spend time with anyone. I texted Louie and told him that I was sorry but I wanted to make it clear that nothing would happen between us. Louie text back almost straightaway. He told me he understood and that he had hoped something would happen but he knew it probably wouldn’t. He told me he may get lucky and meet a girl out there who could run like I can. He says all the nicest things!!

So then.. why does it hurt my feelings a little?