So yesterday was a busy (not) day. Yet again, my children were not here. As it is the summer holidays all the extended family seem to be fighting over who gets to take them here and there on what day! Well, yesterday – Mr Ex took the day off work and took them somewhere for a day of fun with Mr Ex’s parents…

I was out for most of the morning until 11am, and when I got back I noticed I’d left my messenger on and had messages from a couple of people. So I was on the net chatting with Alice, FlyBoy, Mr E and someone else. I was surprised Mr E was there since it was his birthday yesterday. Why he was in work on his birthday I didn’t know, and why everyone seems to have a birthday in August is a further mystery still.

By about 1ish, the subject of Louie came up with Mr E. Mr E seems to think that I’ve wimped out by flat out refusing to take things any further with Louie. I guess he’s right in a way, but I wish he could see that I’m right. One day, at some point it would bother Louie that I have children, that I have my very own life all carved out before he found me. I have my own house, my own money and my own children and I can’t see the benefits of sharing that with someone for them to decide in a while that they don’t want me after all.

I think that admitting to Mr E that I think that I may have feelings for Louie was a mistake because now he seems to have a bee in his bonnet about making me see that I need to do something about it, and I wish I could explain in words that he would understand that that is something that I don’t think I can do. I must admit I was surprised at how much I miss Louie already even though he only jetted off yesterday!! And I am surprised by the way that it hurts me that he might forget me when he’s gone. But then that could mean anything. I usually tell my friends not to forget me when I say goodbye to them for any amount of time! 

Mr E really pushed the subject and I still don’t understand why he did. He told me he wasn’t trying to be nasty. I felt a bit upset and asked him he was being nasty if he didn’t want to be. He told me that he was trying to make me see sense. I used the analogy that if I didn’t go there with Louie then I wouldn’t have to suffer watching him kiss and be in love with someone else five years down the line, the way I’ve had to with Mr Ex. Mr E came right out and told me that if Louie did get with someone else, I’ll be wishing it was me anyways. To be honest that cut a little bit close to home since I have been looking at a girl kissing Mr Ex and wishing I was her for the past few weeks now. It dawned on me that just maybe Mr E was as right as I am. Just maybe I’ll be wishing I was the girl with Louie whether there’s a girl now instead of me, or a girl a while down the line after me. I am damned if I do, and I’m damned if I don’t.

Either way, even though I considered what Mr E said, I must admit that my own sense of black and white is taking over. I’m 25. Guys my age are still young and they’re not settled at all, and whereas I really don’t want a settled guy, I must admit to myself that guys are going to see the fact that I am a mother as a downside to me. Imagine if I’m Louie’s girlfriend and he tells someone that he’s seeing that woman that lives in that house up the road, you know the one who’s Husband ran off with a scrawny bint. You know, the one with two kids. And his friends would be telling him that he can do better – why settle down with a woman with children, as if I’m going to want to tie him down somehow which is the last thing I want.

And, in the end – Louie will see this. He will see me for what I am. A mother of two children with her own mortgage and her own life, already settled in some big way before he ever came along. I’ve had a whole lifetime without him, and he will start thinking about seeing someone who doesn’t have children. He will start to see his friend’s point of view and in the end it will all end – and that will be awkward. I’ll need to join another gym!

I spoke to my friend Alice about my theory, and to my absolute shock and horror – she agreed with Mr E!! I was shocked to hear this as Alice hates men almost as much as me, and she usually always agrees with me. She did tell me however, that she could understand my thoughts on never wanting to share my life again. She told me that she’s been with someone so possessive that if she embarks on a relationship again, she’ll be really selfish and only throw him scraps of her time, and want him to worship her and do everything on her terms. “My way or the highway” were her exact words!

I told her that I wouldn’t be like that. I told her I can imagine a relationship of sorts, but that he’d get to spend all the time with me he wants when the childen aren’t around. We would have weekends in or out, at my place or his. Evenings doing what we want, if he comes around when the children are sleeping or when they’re not here. He can lavish attention on me, and I will lavish just as much on him. BUT. He will need to be aware that I do not want to share MY children with him, or share him with my children. He will be a separate entity. Moving in together wouldn’t happen, marriage wouldn’t happen. Children together wouldn’t happen. Alice says that I’ll change my mind on that if and when a relationship comes up. Maybe I will. But.. BUT I physically, literally can’t take that step. I will not ever be someone’s ever again.

The selfish part of me is wishing that Louie is in Spain, pining over me and wanting me to text him. Thinking about me and with his fingers hovering over the ”send” button on his phone. The over-riding self sacrificing, self tortuous part of me is wholeheartedly hoping that he is just having fun. Not thinking about the cranky single Mum in the big house, more likely thinking about some Spanish girl or other. I know he’s having a good time. And I know that I’m not on his mind. That’s not OK with me, but it is right.